84 Things NOT to Do in Bombay!!

Inspired by Zishaan and suggested byRanjeet, I’ve compiled a list of 84 things Not to do in Bombay, The original target was 101 but here’s the list, I shall update more when I get my Black Label for Company.

The Listo :-

1.     Get into a Virar train if you are going to Borivali

2.     Take Taxis outside Dadar & Kurla stations, all are chors.

3.     Eat Bhel at Kailash Parbat

4.     Call a cop ‘Pandu’

5.     Argue with a Koli Fisherwoman

6.     Get a 11 Rupee massage at Girgaum Chowpatty

7.     Call a BEST bus driver ‘Bablia’

8.     Buy enhancement medicines from Van – Travelling Hakims who are the desi versions of the flying doctors

9.     Look smart while visiting Chor Bazaar

10.  Ask the Sandwich wallah on Dalal Street for market tips

11.  Stand in front of Amitabh/shahrukh/salmaan’s house — u look stupid and its waste of time

12.  Baba Bengalis are neither Baba’s or Bengalis they are all perverts and thugs

13.  Visit sleazy Video Parlours and get caught in a raid

14.  Get excited and start jumping when someone offers you Paanch ka Dollar, it’s just a tiny 5 Rupee coin

15.  Go for a Shiv Sena rally in hope for a Free Vada Pav and Shiv Sena Banian

16.  Stare at Koli Women in Gorai and Make fun of Kolis in their Kasti

17.  While commuting don’t tease people shitting near the tracks, they throw stones back at the train

18.  Hang outside the train, Poles might hit you before the crowds will.

19.  Tease a Hijra.

20.  Bribe a Porter to grab a seat in V.T, chances are he might run off with your money and even beat you.

21.  Get conned at Fountain from Guys selling cheap Mobiles, they mesmerize and wrap soap bars.

22.  Say Hello to pimps behinds Mondegar & Pasta Lanes.

23.  Donate money to the Crying Cab driver, he has conned thousands.

24.  Invite Brass Polishwalas into your house

25.  Sit for more than 20 mins extra at an Irani Café, the Bawa owner might shout some sister abuses.

26.  Drink Neera at 5 pm at Dadar Station

27.  Have lassi outside Dadar Station (west), they add Tissue Paper while preparing it

28.  Throw stones at monkeys in Borivali National Park

29.  Loiter around in Shivaji Park on Dec 6th.

30.  Ask for a bargain at the Maharastrian Cloth store in Dadar.

31.  Call up 26407383 Beanbags thinking it’s an escort service.

32.  Call a Maharastrian guy Bhaiya, no matter how respectful you mean.

33.  Go to Mondegar and ask for a Jain Pav Bhaji

34.  Look straight and walk, We have open Manholes, flicked by Druggies.

35.  Wear Brown Khakis shirts, People will mistake you for BMC staff.

36.  Ask for Warranty & Guarantee from the Mallu Electronic stalls in Fountain area.

37.  Search for the Kala Ghoda in Kala Ghoda.

38.  Ask why statues in Bombay have one finger pointed like Umpires.

39.  Apply Rai ka Tel on your head and travel by public transport.

40.  Go to Chor Bazaar in your Car or Bike.

41.  Wear nice footwear to SiddiVinayak or Mahalakshmi Temple

42.  Go to Haji Ali during high tides

43.  Go to work when a Shiv Sena bandh is on.

44.  Dial 100 for fun, Cops will put your entire family behind bars and use bars.

45.  Buy water & tea for Chai-Pani, Old Monk should work.

46.  Fall asleep on the Harbour Line, Thieves will strip you of everything.

47.  Eat Missal / Ussal Pav before going to work.

48.  Board a fast train in Dadar to go to Bandra. Opposite platforms and a very horrible crowd

49.  Go for midnight mass thinking you can patao chicks

50.  give money to bhikari (he is the same guy who is @siddhivinayak on Tuesday, @mahim church wed, @mahim dargah on Thursday, and @hajiali on Friday, @mount mary on Sunday)

51.  Go to an Orchestra Bar, its nothing but the local banjo party guys in better clothes

52.  Talk to a Gujju for more than 10 mins, he will start playing garba with you

53.  Go to Versova beach, its full of shit and methi plants

54.  Join any friendship club, its like inviting blackmailers.

55.  Go to Bhagwathi hospital in Borivali

56.  Pronounce Sandhurst correctly, Sandas Rd makes more sense.

57.  Ask where is the Chinch in Chinchpokli or Chincholi

58.  Trouble naughty couples in the A/c Buses

59.  Go for morning show in sidey theatre expecting sleazy action, you might encounter  khudkushi action around you.

60.  Travel from Andheri to Ghatkopar by Bus, the bus is full of pickpockets.

61.  Travel ticketless  on Friday, If you are caught Anadi court is a big torture.

62.  Wear a Red tie or red handkerchief and stand near Gateway or Radio Club, its a gigolo symbol

63.  Give 100 bucks to a conductor and expect him to give you change, he will sadistically torment you till the last stop.

64.  Buy cheap booze in Churchgate Subway and get caught by cops for not having permits

65.  Buy Crackers from Essabhai, Crawford Market and travel in train

66.  Go to National park with your GF/Wife and take the jungle route Robbers & Adivasis might loot you.

67.  Ask for free Chakna in bars, its history since Aug 2, 2008

68.  Go to Voodoo’s on Saturday, its the only Gay bar between Istanbul and Bangkok

69.  Go to Navy Nagar and think you can buy booze for cheap.

70.  Try to play all the instruments at Furtado’s in Dhobi Talao

71.  Stand close to the platform when the Rajdhani is passing, a sonic and nuclear blast of fart, shit and farsan will hit you.

72.  Ask for extra chutney and sambhar in Udupi hotels.

73.  Visit Ganga Jamuna in Tardeo thinking its a holy place.

74.  Assume that booksellers in Fountains are dumbo’s, they know their Pulitzers and Bookers more than us.

75.  Take the driving test, paying 300 bucks makes more sense.

76.  Do a court marriage in Bandra court.

77.  Count the numbers of floors of Oberoi towers just because Amitabh did.

78.  Bet against India in a game, Australia is the safest option.

79.  Get scared and not gamble in the McDowell Derby at Mahalaksmi Race Course.

80.  Note down prices or take Photos at Alfa in Irla

81.  Buy 100 bucks Windcheaters from Churchgate, they are all the ones recycled by the Bhandiwalis

82.  Search for Tigers in Borivali National Park, It’s the other way Tigers & Panthers will find you

83.  Search the roads & gutters of Chira Bazaar & Opera House hoping to find diamonds just because the newspapers claim so.

84.  All the things mentioned are NOT to be DONE in Bombay

Do feel free to add in your inputs/ ideas/views using hastag #nottodoinbombay on twitter or on the Comments  below :)

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  • http://www.bombaylives.com satish vijaykumar

    ok cool ,thanks baazigar :)

  • amar

    Good list. I think it would be useful for many.

    But, I think the items need to be restructured or reworded so that they match the subject of the post consistently.

  • http://coldsnapdragon.blogspot.com/ nandita

    LoL

    Loved this!

  • ramesh

    haha lol

  • samarthya

    Great compilation!

    1. Never keep your wallet in jeans back pocket in local train or chor bazaar.

    2. Never flash your iPod in local train.

    3. Never wear shoes in July and August (for college students). Otherwise your socks will stink in the labs. The girl near you will literally run away.

  • http://www.bijuneyyan.info Biju Neyyan

    Well, I clicked one Koli Fisher woman one day!! and the rest was history. I've got an awesome photograph of the fisher woman on the beach throwing mud at me! :P

    (Need not search on my flickr, i never published it… ethical reasons)

    • Anonymous

      You should publish it with due credits :)

  • http://www.meramaal.com/117-Mumbai/ Radhika

    LOL, that is few of the most hilarious and interesting things to know about Mumbai! Thanks for these tips!

    Radhika!

  • Rishi

    Never deny to pay chakkas if you are in Bandra ( i.e. – signal on five roads jucntion or Carter Road or band stand ) they will first they will feel and then pluck hair on your chest

    Never play teen patti on any walkovers or subways

    Never show attitute to TC on churchgate station.. NO matter how late you are he will ask for ticket/pass every day.

    Hope that helps Tisha.

  • http://www.sudhir.in sudhir

    lol…. some points are really make you laugh.

    to add more…

    # Do not drive fast on andheri kurla road, even during night(only time when you can see road width). damage road will not only damage your car/bike but will break into parts.

    # To seat on train roof spl in between dahisar to virar.

    # during holi season avoid window seat in any public transport, avoid seating with girl avoid seating in front or in back side of gal. baloor with gutur water will hit you. all are like India cricket player, aim will always go wrong it will never hit girl and will it hit you.

    # buy property thinking public transport will start soon from your dorr step, even builders/brokers promises it to you.

    # always check change you get back from railway tkt window before leaving the place, spl if you are Mumbai central/Dadar/CST, Kurla. (most of the time you will get lesser amount. we just dont check and put the money back in our pocket.)

    # hold currency in lips/mouth. you never know from where the currency has come from. lol…..(sulabh sauchalaya counter)

    will think more and post.

    regards,

    sudhir

  • manoj

    Never board a BEST from front door unless your a senior citizen else the driver will give you a horrid time ……..

    Never run after train, bus & gal , coz after every three minutes u will get a next chance ;) …….

    Never cross the railway tracks …..else you may be handcuffed & paraded & humiliated….be sensible use foot boards…….

    Never ask for auto for Dadar…..

  • Neha Seth

    so true… i have experienced most of them..:D:D:

  • http://palsinnervoice.wordpress.com Pals

    U missed one thing: Never to call Mumbai as Bombay :P

    One thing: You could mention the result below the 84 things for non-Mumbaikars to know the city more.

    Cheers!

  • jyoti

    superbb.. list

  • http://ajwebdesigner.in Ajinkya

    this is just awesome post. actually i got this in my email. n ended up in this website

    gr8 post :)

  • http://windowsvj.com/wpblog/ Vasu Jain

    Followed a few during my stay @ Mumbai.. and yeah violated a few too.. i m lucky my skin remained safe ;)

  • Vaishali Shah

    hi..
    I am surprised that you are not targeted by Shiv sena for calling this city as Bombay.. the true spirit comes out when you call it Mumbai as it sounds like apna shahar.. the way it should be..

    http://www.vaishalishah.wordpress.com

    • http://www.bombaylives.com satish vijaykumar

      Hi Vaishali,
      Bombay, Mumbai, or Bambai one may call it what ever you like, everyone has the same right to it, no one can claim or proclaim or have any monopoly over who has the right spirit or not .

      Btw I also do manage a blog called wemumbaikar.com :0

      cheers
      satish

  • iyer uncle

    add it up…not to eat fried items on the roadside (its all adultraed cheap palm/bone/dalda mixed…

    never buy loose oil from any kutchi/muslim owned stores.

    (for women/young ladies…)not to leave their handbags,cellphones,jewellery in the living room with doors not properly latched..the adivasis,bandiwalis and the vadaris are smart in their quick haat ki safai and disappear with the booty in no time..

  • Payodhi

    lol…very true..

  • http://mumbaipaused.blogspot.com Mumbai Paused

    Survival guide indeed!

  • memo

    this stuff is hillarious ,i salute to those who took the pain to write it down ……

    • Anonymous

      Yours truly wrote it :)

  • Rmascky

    this is an addition… # Do not refer to the city as Bombay in the vicinity Sainiks

  • KJ

    #33, # 71, Hilarious.. :)

    • http://www.bombaylives.com bombaylives

      How've you been, not blogging lately?

  • kuku

    dont call for geting loan by seeing add on rain station or newspaper or dont pay any advance for it

    • http://www.bombaylives.com bombaylives

      yeah, all are scams.

  • test
    • http://www.bombaylives.com bombaylives

      Thanks Have written to him to remove the blog post

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  • Chirag Nawal

    Thnx guys
    especially Satish for the awesome guidelines
    Hope I can follow most of them as I m going to stay in Mumbai for almost an year starting from 13th :)

    • bombaylives007

      hey Chirag, hope you have a nice time in the city of dream.

  • salam

    i love Kailash Parbat.. why is it on the list? :(

    • bombaylives007

      Its really over hyped :)

  • Shishir

    Do not threaten anyone with a pichkari (or an air gun), the other person is most likely to have a real one under his belt.
    Do not jump from the the Gateway of India with an umbrella, with surety that it will act as a parachute.
    Do not complain to the person on the side that the person infront is staring at your GF's body parts, every male in India is staring at everyone's GF.

  • http://www.trythethrill.com dhruwin

    loved this one :)
    speially no. 12,18,28,64,73

  • adi

    these are actually 3-D experience

  • http://www.dnaindia.com Blessy

    Hey I'd like to feature this in DNA's Around the Blog section. Do let me know if you're okay with it by sending the link at dna dot blessy at gmail dot com.
    Thanks

  • sunita bhasin

    if u r woman dont wait for autos on juhutara rd

    dont eat onion / garlic if u r going to use public transport ,have pity on fellow travellers.

  • arunkw

    1. Do not eat pastries from kurla platform stall.
    2. Don't dare to go to public urinals, better do at home before leaving.

  • http://www.flynirvana.com Sanjay