101 rules for extreme metal!

awesome stuff sent by my rocker friend hippy.

01. You must listen to (and name) at least 100 metal bands (power metal not included) before you are extreme.

02. Hair must be shoulder length, longer, or completely shaved off.

03. Drummers must weigh either under 60kg, or over 140kg – No in betweens.

04. Band logos must be totally undecipherable.

05. Song tempos are only allowed to register under 40bpm (extreme), or over 240bpm (extreme).

06. Thank-you list must comprise of every extreme metal band in existence (even if you have never met the band or heard their music).

07. The police picture of your ex-vocalist’s suicide must be used for the next album cover.

08. Drummer must be limited to blast beats and grind beats (even at 40bpm)

09. Profess the glory of Satan, especially if you are an atheist.

10. Sing about ancient cultures, and invent your own language to sing in.

11. Develop cancer or a tumor of some type.

12. Refer to 1

13. Wear every manner of injury inflicting clothing – manacles, bullet
belts, spiky shin pads etc.

14. Sing about the dark lord and/or gore on your first album, and then
onto politics and life on all proceeding albums, apparently you ‘have matured’.

15. Wear black. Always.

16. Drive a funeral car as transportation for the band.

17. Release an album, then a year later, re-release it with a bonus track
just to make people buy the album again.

18. Record twice as many songs as you plan to release, then ten year’s later release the album as a collector’s item.

19. Record a whole bunch of new songs, add a high frequency hiss, and cut the low frequencies, then release it as ‘pre-band demo recordings’

20. Guitars must be shaped so that they may be used as a grievous weapon.

21. Never ever have the same band line up for any album or tour.

22. Feud with the band members that move on to other bands (good

23. Pretend that you ‘hail from Norway’.

24. Do as many side projects that are humanly possible in your extreme time budget. One band, at least, must feature a female singer (your wife, cause no one else is extreme enough).

25. Albums should either be less than thirty minutes, or exactly sixty six minutes and six seconds.

26. In summer, black clothing can be hand torn into singlets and shorts to deal with heat (NEVER use scissors)

27. Have a royal throne for a toilet seat/table seat/car seat etc.

28. Marry a girl with so many piercings, she has more metal in her than a Massey Fergusson tractor – and can never get through a metal detector at the airport.

29. Have 52 metal t-shirts – one for each week of the year.

30. Play only Jackson and/or B.C.Rich guitars.

31. The first letter of every album titles must start at A, and then progress through the alphabet. (Altars of Madness, Blessed Are the Sick, Covenant…)

32. Become a ‘specialist producer’ of extreme metal, and build your very own studio in the heart of the Norwegian forest (helps with Forest Metal).

33. Forest metal is running round a dark forest, with a $10 Casio Keyboard, and a $5 microphone, records your new ‘extreme atmospheric project’

34. Sing about serial killers only after you’ve met one and formed a relationship with them.

35. Never play in key. Chromaticism is the only way.

36. Let keyboard players ‘jump’ from band to band (it’s the only jumping they’re allowed to do).
37. Claim to have burnt down a church and gone to jail for it (even if you really haven’t).

38. Say the word ‘EXTREME’ and cross your arms in a X shape when you shout it, as often as possible

39. Play the bass without a plectrum.

40. Play drums barefoot, or in white socks if feeling especially extreme.

41. Call everyone ‘Sons of Satan’ even if you are addressing a female.

42. Be involved in the porn industry in any way possible, preferably as an actor called ‘Penetrator’ or ‘Frosty-Spire’

43. Play only Axis bass drum pedals.

44. Take speed to be the fastest band on earth.

45. Smoke weed to be the slowest band on earth.

46. Guitars must be tuned lower than Ab before they are considered extreme.

47. Guitar solos must not sound anything like Yngwie Malmsteen or blues – solos must be so fast that fingers bleed.

48. Resurrect shitty black metal bands, call yourself ‘cult’ and then release albums with the shittiest possible production (by referring to rule 33).

49. Television viewing media is restricted to ‘The Simpsons’ and ‘Homicide’.

50. List ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ as your all time favourite movie, only after ‘Debbie Does Dallas’.

51. Tour every country possible, but NEVER EVER New Zealand.

52. Support established extreme metal acts, become famous, and even bigger than these acts, then never have anything to do with them again.

53. Drummers: 3 bars of blast beats followed by 1 bar of drum fill. Repeat. Do not deviate from this pattern, failure to follow these instructions may make you less extreme.

54. Marshall amps suck – Mesa Boogie amps rule.

55. Never use your real name, claim your extreme parents gave you the name ‘Persecuter’ at birth.

56. Call your band ‘The Next Generation in Extreme Metal’ (don’t forget to cross your arms) even if you sound like you came straight from the 80’s.

57. Make sure your band name is the same as another band’s name in
the other hemisphere.

58. Cite Darkthrone as a major influence (even if you have never heard them).

59. Have even more disturbing album artwork than the last ‘yesterday’ extreme band. Hire a professional uber-gore-meister-artist (primarily yourself – don’t forget to change your name).

60. (a) Murder a person in another band to elevate you to extreme infamousness – publicity helps.

60. (b) Then write the rest of your albums from jail

61. Say that you’ve recorded at Morrisound Studios, Florida, USA, with Scott Burns as producer.

62. Organise tours with at least 9 bands on the bill – $6.66 tickets.

63. Have competitions on stage to see which of the nine bands can play the fastest.

64. Always have two (or more) bass drums.

65. Head band until you get told by the doctor that those headaches
indicate the possibility of serious brain damage. Carry on headbanging anyway because it is extreme.

66. When singing live, always do ‘vocal bails’ – do a low growl, because you know that when you go pussy high, you are going to fail it miserably.

67. Refer to 1.

68. Tell everyone that you are going to write all album material by yourself because the music and lyrics are headed in the wrong direction.

69. Join your wife’s band.

70. Record an extreme metal video in ONLY ONE (1) of FOUR (4) possibly locations i) A Church, ii) A Graveyard, iii) A Forest, iv) A Castle.

71. If rule 70 ends up being too extensive, paint your band practice room black (it should be already, unless you are un-extreme), wear all black, and have different coloured instruments, so that viewers can only make out them, and your faces (which are white).

72. Bite a dove’s head off (or substitute for any form of fowl).

73. All band photos must involve you holding a gun in the holster (click here, there’s a lot!) or axe.

74. All band photos must feature naked women looking like your loyal slaves.

75. Get rid of your drummer because he is too slow – get a drum machine instead.

76. Sing in as many different bands as you can possibly whore yourself too, and be totally un-committed to any of them. Unreliable as f@ck = extreme.

77. Record a Slayer cover.

78. After a band ‘calls it a day’, attempt to contact Rob Halford to start a new band.

79. Or alternatively, Phil Anselmo to resurrect a dead band.

80. Rip off as many samples from horror movies as possible to use in your extreme album. Copyright is for pussies.

81. Triggered drums are the only way to go, even if your snare sounds like a 6″ tom.

82. Experience a heroin overdose, live through it, and say that you had to come back because Satan told you that you must piss more people off.

83. Say that you are a Satanist and that you only listen to black metal.

84. Say ‘Morbid Angel is the best f@cking death metal band in the world”.

85. A toilet is the best place to keep beer and alcohol chilled.

86. Kill your offspring if they become house/trance DJ’s.

87. Admit you used to air guitar to KISS and that Gene Simmons is your

88. Listen and air drum to Motley Crue’s ‘Dr. FeelGood’ album (yes its ok to do that).

89. Splatter as much fake blood on stage and your audience as stated in the rules of accordance in hiring your venue.

90. Wait, rules are for pussies.

91. Try to get your long hair stuck in as many people’s mouths as possible in the audience.

92. Sing so brutal and low, so that people, who even know your lyrics, can’t sing along, thus sound pussy in comparison to you. Exert your Extreme Dominance.

93 Recording a jam session in a blizzard on the snowy slopes of Norway is part of the pre-production for your new album.

94. Destroy as many hotel rooms as possible while on tour.

95. Beware of power metal album covers that look like black metal album covers – deception can be brutal.

96. Your middle name must be that of a weapon, succeeded by the word ‘The’. eg. “John ‘The Missle/Axe/Torpedo’ Smith”.

97. Wearing leather pants means they must be tight enough to show a dick print.

98. Corpse paint is compulsory when meeting the in-laws.

99. Lay down the smack on all people not as extreme as you, exert your dominance extremely.

100. Work/Live by a steel factory and claim that ‘metal has been in my blood from a young age’.

101. The most important rule of extreme metal: “In order to create art of the most truest form, one must live it.” Kill yourself and die, and only then can you write and perform the most extreme of extreme metal possible.

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